MY BEST BIRTHDAY

-- MARCH 2006

My birthday came (today) and it was a pleasant day for me
I waited and watched and had a glimpse of what God planned out for me
At first I didn't know what the day would hold
But it is one of my best birthdays and thank God I was strong and healthy
My day started with a text from Chicken (my friend) by 3:44am
I received like 11 birhtday text messages, 7 calls, 3 flashes and dialled 3 people, 3 late calls

VAL'S DAY

14TH FEB. 2006

I saw him today when I was clombing up the stairs in college
He told me happy val's day (in a special way that I liked)
I told him happy val's day too
He asked how my preparation for my exam was
I told him 'fine'
You can imagine we were to write an exam on 15th feb. 2006 (a day after val's day - how ridiculous)
But funny enough we wrote it

BIRTHDAY PLAN

17TH MARCH 2006 9:47PM

My birthday is coming up in some days, and Easter is coming(16th April 2006), I don't know what God has planned out for me
I wish I could have a glimpse
I just have to wait and watch

DEAR GOD (2)

14TH MARCH 2006

Today I felt moody about the whole thing
I was so confused
I felt discouraged and felt like I was wasting my time
I wondered, I just wondered
I wondered maybe I was not specific or maybe I asked for too much
God I was thinking of forgetting the whole thing (I heard a thunder<17th> and saw lightning when writing this line) oooooh spooky
But suddenly, I came across him
Three times for that matter
But the funniest thing is that we didn't really talk
We just waved at each other like some shy chicken
We each wanted to talk to each other but I don't know what the problem is
The first time I passed him, he was trying to make a call
I told him hello, but at first he didn't hear me but when he realised himself he said
".... how are you doing?" I said fine. I didn't hear the... part (maybe he said my name...dreams!!!)
I must be crazy writing all this, right!
The second time, he came to where I was
And again we smiled and waved at each other
The third time was when I was climbing upstairs
I passed him again and we only smiled and waved at each other
When I was in one classroom reading, he passed when going to his classroom
And all I could do was turn back my face and laugh like a real chicken (kidding)
I think I'll stop waving at people when I see them, but will adopt a better way of greeting or saying hello
The waving thing is now a habit for me which is bad cos I do it in a very funny way, with my hand low and my head shaking as I wave, and laughing like a shy child
Goodness Gracious
Oh my!!! I didn't pray to see him and I saw him
I learnt from today that God passed a message to me in His own way (Though its a bit more confusing)

GOOD NIGHT MY CRAZY HEART

9TH MARCH 2006 11:50PM (SLEPT 11:52PM)

Good night my crazy heart
Keep on beating for me
Till morning I'll still wonder at you
Well I'll feel you in the morning
Beating at my left 4th intercostal space
Till then, have a good night rest
But don't make me crazy like you
Maybe I already am
Hope not
Nity Nite, Nity Nite, Nity Nite
Ciao

O WHY

O why do you waste so much time
Or are you waiting for me to meet you first
Well if thats the case, I'll never be the first
Cos I'm the girl
I don't know what's wrong with my crazy heart
But sometimes I say a sincere prayer to God that I want to see you
And I see you within a short while
Prayers do come true when it comes from a sincere heart, mine is
I believe in prayers. Do you?
But sometimes I run, sometimes I hide
But I run or hide when I see you
All I need is time
Though my head tells me to stay
My crazy heart won't let me
I just flee
I don't know how long this hide and seek game will go on
But my heart will always go on and on
Whether its crazy or not, but my heart is true
I don't know if its wrong to love someone
Can someone please tell me?
Is it wrong to fall in love?
I don't know
Tell me ... please ...whoever?
If you already love someone, I'll understand
I'll just back off
But how will I know
Though I don't know how I will feel
But I'll back off and move on with life
Cos things like this happens, you know
I've seen it in real life and in indian movies
But I don't know what is happening to me
Or why its happening to me
I know someday, I'll look back on this and wonder at myself and my crazy heart
Well I've heard about the right love at the right time and place
Wrong love at the right time and place
Right love at the wrong time and place
Wrong love at the wrong time and place
But I don't know which one it is
Well only time will tell me this
Only till then will I know
Only God and time will tell me this
Well my head, mind and heart is blank for now
Until nexxt time, I'll continue writing

MY CRAZY HEART

O this crazy heart of mine
Sometimes I don't understand you
Even though I own you
I still don't understand or get you
Sometimes you make me do silly things
Sometimes I pray to see someone
When I see the person, you make me run away or hide
You made me have crushes when I was younger
O how I hated that
O you crazy heart of mine
My crush days are over
But why do you make me act the way I do
I don't just understand you
Sometimes I listen to you instead of my head
Everyone has a heart
But I don't know if anyone has a heart as crazy as mine
Does anyone? Do you?
O you crazy heart of mine
Sometimes you put me in a turmoil
Sometimes you put me in a dilemma
Sometimes I find myself at crossroads
I think its time I take time to understand you
I think its time I take charge
I think its time I take control
Can that ever be possible
O you crazy heart of mine which beats as long as I live
Will you let me?
Will you let me control you?
Well, O crazy heart of mine
Whether you like it or not,
I will take charge, I will take control,
I will understand you, even if I have to fight and struggle within
I will have to do all these, cos my will is my will
Cos God's will is mine
SO cool off, cjhill out, buzz off
Mind you I'm not a girl, not yet a woman
All I need is time, a moment that is mine
While I'm inbetween
I'm just trying to find the woman in me
I'm not a girl

DEAR GOD

I asked for a request
I asked for a sign
Though I didn't specify the sign
I just asked for a sign
But its either the sign has not come or its hard to observe or recognise
Cos I'm getting confused
At a time I do not want to
It seems like the matter is getting complicated
Maybe this is my lenten cross
I do not know
No one knows but only You Lord
I just hope I'll get through this
Cos its at a time I least expect
I just hope I'll get through this
Cos the one I love is not the one coming
O why does the "wrong one love you back"
What do you do "when the wrong one loves you back"
I don't know
I'll never understand matters of the heart
Lord, only You, know and understand how You crated Your creature's heart
Somethings are just too hard for humans to understand
Lord whatever Your Will is, let it be done in my life ...... Amen
Lord show me the way
Lord please give me a clear sign
Please guide me (in the right path)
I'll just have faith
God, I've thought of a sign
It's in my mind, You know it
Please grant it if its Your Will
Lord I know You're up there
I know You've set the plan
I know You're smiling at me
I just know, somehow

I WONDER WHY

9TH MARCH 2006 10:43PM

Sometimes in life I wonder why A would love B
And B would love C
And C would love A
But I guess its the way God created the heart
Though I'll never understand why or how
So just like in "Dilto Pagal Hai", I'll never understand why
Sometimes I wonder why some stages or phases keep repeating itself
I don't understand why another stage cannot begin
Can someone please tell me why somethings happen when you don't want it to and worsen matters
Well its a stage and it will "soon" go away ...... Amen.

I REALLY BLEW IT

8TH MARCH 2006

I really blew it
Sometimes I'm very stupid
Today is wednesday and I acted silly and stupid
I let a perfect opportunity pass away
I saw you and when I saw you coming, I just ran off
I've not seen you for a long time and today I managed to see you, I blew it
I was in the hospital museum (reading) when I heard your name
I stood up and saw you at a distance
Instead of staying where I was, I went closer to the window
When you saw me, I ran back to where I was before
You passed, but when you passed back,
You too, were searching for me
But I was not there, cos I ran back
I'm a real chicken
I'm too chicken
I really really blew it

GIVE ME A SIGN

3RD MARCH 2006

Lord, I read the book on "love, sex and last relationships" by Chip Ingram
And I read your prescription for it
Your prescription is far more better than Hollywood's formula
I was touched by a story in that book
Lord Jesus Christ, I prayed to you and asked sincerely for something that is between You and I and Your Mother
Mary my dearest Mother, pray to Jesus for me,
I beg for your intercession on my behalf to your son Jesus Christ
Please give me a sign when it is granted
A sign that I'll easily observe and be assured that its the sign
Lord, I trust in You and believe You'll grant my request
I'll call it either the "gift of lent/easter" or the "miracle of lent/easter"
I thank you Lord for I believe You've answered my prayers
And its only a matter of time for it to manifes
May Your Will be done in my life ...... Amen
AMEN

MY CRAZY HEART, MIND AND HEAD - THANK YOU

3RD MARCH, 2006

Thank you for the love I saw in your eyes for me
Though I've not seen you in a while, you're always in my heart
THough I don't know whether I understand you, I know I like you
I just have to accept fate, cos I don't know whether I'll see you again
Meeting you is just by chance, and even if I don't see you, I'll never forget you
I don't understand or know why or how, but during my exam, I saw you in my mond's eye and saw myself striving to write down every knowledge I had in my mind of the course
During my community health presentation, I was nervous and I saw you in my mind's eye smiling at me and encouraging me. I felt better. The nervousness went.
I find myself reading more than I used to, because you read a lot
And I imaging you'll want me to read too
You might not know this, but you inspire me to be more hard-working
I don't even know whether you know my name
Though its funny
Though we've not seen since, I sometimes wonder if you ever think of me
I think you like me too. I think
I said "I think" because you seem like a very busy person and you're rarely seen
I only see your car. I always see your car, never the owner
So I wonder
I learnt from one indian film that if you love someone, tell the person before its too late
I also learnt from the film that you should not be afraid to make a wish, cos you never know, the wish might come true

I don't really know much about your personality but from what I've observed, you seem to be a melancholy
You don't like being with lots of people cos most times you're alone
(I later found out I was wrong, you're not a melancholy)

You park your car in spots where no other car is parked
I used to walk round hospital and college hoping to come across you, but I rarely do
So now I don't bother to walk round, I just carry on with my daily life and resign to fate
If it's God's will, I know I'll come across you some day
But till that day comes, I'm just going to live my normal daily life
But if that day never comes to be, I'll accept it as God's will
May God's will be done in our lives

All I have to say is you should try and blend more with your classmates
And don't take life too seriously
Be a balanced person
You seem to be a shy person who doesn't say what's is in his mind
If you ever find someone you love, tell her and don't be too busy that you won't have time for her
Don't be too busy so that you won't lose the most important things in your life
(I was wrong, my judgement was wrong. Ooops!!! Sorry!!!)

Its like you love medicine, don't let your career be your only centre and your only reason for living
Balance your life, let your spiritual, social and study (academic) life be balanced. Have the 3S. Be S cubed (S3)
(I was wrong. You are a balanced person. Oops!!! Sorry!!!)

I don't know why I'm writing all this though it will never get to you
But I'm just pouring out what's in my crazy heart, head and mind
I wish you all the best in life
May God bless you, May His will be done in your life, May He continue to guide and protect you and your family
I'll always pray for you
Sometimes I have the habit of praying for those I love

MY FEELINGS

3RD MARCH, 2006

I wish I could have a complete love
I wish my love could be complete
I wish this emptiness in my heart will go
I wish I won't have to say "could have, would have, should have"
I wish what I wish for
I wish I didn't have to make the same mistake twice
I wish I could control my heart
I wish I didn't have to love, so I won't feel down if its not complete
I wish my love could be complete
I wish, I wish, I wish
Lord, this is my easter/lenten wish
Lord, this is my birthday wish

Just like Anjali in "Kuch Kuch Hota Hai" cried that her first love was not complete
I know my first love too, was not complete
Though I've accepted that, gotten over it and moved forward and ahead
Its now a thing of the past
I wish my love now, will be complete
I know it will, someday
I don't know when, where, how or who
But only God knows all these
But I know it will come some day
Though I don't know how long it will take
I know it will
Someday
I just have to be patient
Patience is a virtue

INTRO...

Well what's this book all about
Its my diary
Its just where I pour out my heart
Its where I confide in (also in God)
Dear Diary, No one in this world (apart from God) knows me better than you do
So Diary, I'll confide in you
Diary tell me what to do, Please tell me what to say

Do I sound silly
Well its just me
I'm just being me

This book/diary is dedicated to God, Mary, and to someone very special and close to my heart

Dear Diary

My love life sucks. This blog is mostly about my past love life, a lil bit of my present but mostly of my past. I have this book I named "Dear Diary" and I wrote down all my feelings and what I was going thru back then. If I have time I might write out everything on it here. It also includes my 2 friends, we used to call ourselves the 3 musketeers (and we also used to call ourselves chicken and indian chicken)
The song "Dear Diary" by Britney Spears really reflected me then

Dear Diary,
Today I saw a boy and I wondered if he noticed me,
he took my breath away.

Dear Diary,
I can't get him off my mind
and it scares me 'cause I've never felt this way.

No one in this world knows me better than you do,
so diary I'll confide in you.

Dear Diary,
Today I saw that boy as he walked by I thought he smiled at me,
and I wondered

does he know what's in my heart?
I tried to smile, but I could hardly breathe.
Should I tell him how I feel
or would that scare him away?
Diary, tell me what to do,
please tell me what to say.

Dear Diary,
One touch of his hand,
now I can't wait to see that boy again.

He smiled,
and I thought my heart could fly.

Diary, do you think that we'll be more than friends?
yeahea yeahea yea oh

I've got feeling we'll be so much more.. than friends.

ooh.. yea yea yea